Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Becoming a "Second Time" Mom.

It's been a few months since I've posted on here. So I'll update on Lillian first.

Lilly has gotten her first two teeth in the past four months! She likes to use them when she's giving me kisses (ouch!) It is typical for children with Down Syndrome to get their teeth in late, and in different order. This has proven to be a challenge for her eating habits. She is able to self feed with her hands, but it's hard to find things she wants to feed herself since she hasn't had teeth up until now, and because she still doesn't have enough teeth to really grind her food. There are plenty of finger foods meant for toddlers just learning to chew or even gum food. Unfortunately, Lillian is a picky eater on top of the feeding issues that can come along with low tone and no (until now) teeth. Lilly will eat ANYTHING in yogurt or ice cream though :) Our Lilly Butt is also standing up by herself! She plays an adorable game where she stands up as fast as she can, holds her hands up in the air with her eyes big and wide, then falls on her butt and giggles like crazy when you say, "BOOM FALL DOWN!" She's entertained with this for as long as you play along.

We bought a new house! It needs plenty of work to get it to be what we want, but we're definitely loving all of the space. New house meant new...PUPPY! His name is Archer, and he's an Australian Shepherd mix that we adopted from a shelter. He's cute, and bad, and Lilly's new best bud.

And reading the title of this post, I'M PREGNANT!

We have been trying since Lillian was 3 months old to get pregnant. This was a pretty emotionally stressful time, as I wasn't having any luck. Then we had a miscarriage. Then no luck. But now, 20 weeks and baby is dancing up a storm in my belly! We haven't had an ultrasound to check the gender yet, that's scheduled in a few weeks. We also opted out of any prenatal tests. Same conditions as my pregnancy with Lillian...if we see something wrong in an ultrasound or I'm having problems, THEN we can test. Other than that, any baby of mine is MY baby and will always be MY baby.

I'm positive Lillian will be a fantastic big sister. She loves being with other kids, although she does get jealous when I'm holding anyone else's baby... But big sisters always pick on the little ones, right? ;)

While I'm totally excited, I have plenty of worries to go along with it.

What are some things that are normally on a "second time" mom's mind?

How am I going to manage a 2 year old, a newborn, a puppy, 3 cats, and a man child?
How many days a week will I be able to work without being totally exhausted?
Will my job respect wanting to work weekends and ONE day a week this time, since they scheduled me full time regardless of my availability change after having Lillian?
Will new baby have a decent sleeping schedule so I'm not dead during the day with Lilly?

All of those are things we knew we'd have to consider when we decided to try for our second. I'm totally capable of dealing with that. We can change our routines and schedules until we're all in a new swing of things. Even though I know we'll be just fine, I'm still allowed to be stressed out about it.

Then there's a few things that run deeper.

I'm terrified that Lillian will always be my favorite. I already love the baby growing in my tummy, but I feel like we've had such a unique bonding experience with Lillian after everything we had to go through in the first few months. I have no issue with staying up all night to look at her and cuddle her, not just because she's my gorgeous baby, but because I know if she would've been given to a different set of parents...she might not be here. I know after how long it took to get pregnant, that EVERY child is a gift and I'm incredibly lucky. But I also know that many of the same parents that have gone through the same troubles to have their child, want their baby to be what everyone imagines as perfect. Many of them would also abort a baby with DS.

I know we will always do our best to raise our children to be admirable little people. I know I won't treat one differently than the other. Where Lillian needs extra attention, baby #2 will have the same attention and vice versa as to not leave anybody out. But what happens when our little babies become young adults? They learn to think totally for themselves. Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't determine what morals and priorities they will have. What happens if baby #2 isn't that perfect sibling that embraces their sister's disability, instead of despising it?

I have this picture in my head of a little brother or sister that is totally in love with a big sister that is also totally in love with them, and they don't notice the differences until they're older. Then, when they learn what those "differences" are, they won't care. They'll give everyone that has anything mean to say about their sister a mouthful, and Lillian would do the same for them. They will play and laugh and learn together. They'll be each other's best friend.

While I know that this is the most likely outcome ^, I still have the same doubts that I feel any first, second, or third time momma does.

Those of you with more than one child, even if neither have any sort of disability, how did you cope with these type of worries? And how many of them actually came true?

4 comments:

  1. Wonderful words of wisdom from a very dedicated mom! I am. SO proud of you! I can relate but on slightly different nuances. ..Having interracial children as i do i have learned that they too aren't " predjudice proof" and at times have to deal with the" unacceptance and cruelty from both white and black alike. Then there is my Madison....who has been just recently been diagnosed with" a learning disability" or a slow learner. You are doing everything you can possibly do to give Lillian a " normal" life....whatever" normal" means.....We love our children unconditionally, and the best we can do is educate others on " acceptance" . We're all unique and different somehow. ....It's the unconditional love we have for our children that in the end will persevere and allow them to know they are." Perfect" to us!

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    1. Thank you! I often refer to discrimination against people with disabilities as being the same as racist. They were all born this way and it doesn't change who they are as a person. There was actually an incident with a Facebook "friend", where they were posting pictures of a family that obviously adopted 4 children with DS. He was making fun of them calling them "potato farmers" and even made a meme to post. I know he wasn't directing it towards me, but I pointed out that he's black and shouldn't be whining about people treating him differently if he's going to do the same to someone else. I'd like to think what I was saying would change how he thought about the whole thing, but instead he deleted me. Oh well!
      Lillian has such an abundance of love for her in our family and I know that even if things get hard for her, we'll be able to make it right when she gets home.

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  2. Bethany, I stumbled across your profile and have so much to tell you. I was a young single mom of 3 boys. My oldest had learning issues and was discriminated against most of his youth. My middle son is interracial but the oldest help me raise him and they are close and my youngest again has difficulties. My boys are very far apart in age but very close still. I raised them to care for each other as a unit and it has worked. However, what I wanted to tell you is more important to your situation. My aunt had 3 girls- oldest was "normal", middle one- downs syndrome, then her 3rd pregnancy chose no testing for your same reasons and another "normal" girl. All were 2 yrs apart. They always protected their sister. Dont get me wrong, as normal siblings they would all complain about each other to mom - yes Lillian will be able to tattle on her younger sibling (it may be a deeper, raspier voice) but still normal and funny! The oldest would judge her boyfriends by who was accepting of her sister and the same with the younger. The middle daughter would tell them if she liked the guy or if he was "bad". Moral of this is that the youngest died in a car crash at 21 and the oldest married a special education teacher, had children, and has a life of her own. My aunt says that her middle daughter is her angel because she is 44 & will never leave home & will always need her. The oldest knows if something happens to the parents, she and her husband will have her sister - it has all been arranged, because depending on their level of learning is whether or not they can live in a supervised group home for independance or whether they stay at home all their life. It is a labor of love that lasts a lifetime! :)

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    1. Thank you! I'm so sorry it took so long to reply to this!! I normally post regular updates on our Growing Lilly Facebook page and longer posts on here.

      Lillian, her father, and I were blessed with another little girl! Perfectly cute, chunky, and healthy. LILLIAN LOVES HER! She loves Lillian too. Her name is Madelyn, and she came on Lillian's birthday! EXACTLY 2 years apart!!
      They BOTH light up around each other. I am so incredibly blessed to see them interact and show such love at this young age! Lillian has so much concern for her little sister and Madelyn's first smile was at her big sister. Of course they have their little spats. Lillian gets jealous or frustrated and Madelyn wants her out of her face, but that's just getting us ready for when they're older ;)

      Lillian has a way of always surprising us. So as of now I can't believe I was worried!!

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